Made With Concentrate

Where I am right now is inside the Salt Lake City Library.

Tiny beads of raindrops form on the window to my left, while a young girl spins 'round and 'round in a swivel chair to my right. 

The sound the rain makes on the aluminum roof above, it reminds me of tens of thousands of soldiers marching. 

How I feel right now is vulnerable but optimistic. 

I have just changed my work schedule to having Thursdays and Fridays off. This is so I can go visit Ms. River every other week, on every other Thursday.
How I feel right now is naked. My phone is turned off and haven't been able to speak with Ms. River in almost 36 hours.
Every other minute, like the rain my eyes continue to fall but on my cell phone, watching for the message and waiting for the vibration to let me know my phone is back on.
The little girl in the swivel chair, her mother tells her to stop, tells the girl she might get sick if she continues on.
The only way I've been able to communicate with Ms. River is via E-mail. The response between the two of us has been few and far in between.
A cell phone plays a ringing sound and a young man who calls himself Nick answers the phone.
Nick has forgotten his password and wants the entire library to know how unsatisfied he is with a certain company's customer service.
My fingers pause over my keyboard as I try to concentrate on my next sentence.
Nick, apparently his mother's maiden name is Wiley. "Like the coyote!" He yells.
A blanket of "Shush's" fill the air around me.
There is a middle aged overweight male, resembling an Orson Wells(circa 1960's) look. He breathes heavily, looks at me and says, "You think he knows this is a library?"
The rain continues to march on the roof above me while Nick yells into his phone, "You say you want to know my zip code?"
What's  happening right now is the same thing that  happens when your in bed, late at night trying to sleep. The smallest of sounds sometimes, can be the loudest annoyance.
Right now Nick's voice, it sounds like a roller coaster on a fucking chalkboard.
Right now Nick tells everyone that his last log in date was sometime in "Juneish."  
Trying to concentrate right now, is just as hard as tying to concentrate on sleep while Ms. River runs through my mind. For the past few nights, instead of counting sheep, I count beautiful memories and the days it's been since I've seen her..
The time on my cell phone tells me right now, this very second, Ms. River is in class, probably running on no sleep and a pumpkin spice latte.
Nick tells his phone and everyone in the room that he'll "have to go get that." Whatever "that" is.
I close my eyes for a second, try to concentrate and push through but I can't.
My thoughts are watered down into a concentrate I can no longer concentrate on.
I close up my laptop, stand up and head out the door.
"Thank you!" Nick says into his phone.
No, thank you Nick, thank you.

When Vocals Fold.

    This is when it starts to happen.
When I get quiet and my eyes start to water.
When my throat tries to resonate any sort of vibration from my larynx up through my lips.
This is what happens when I can no longer speak.
This is what I like to call, "The Depressing Pause."
The Department of Health and Human Services describes this as, when vocal folds no longer produce a vibration, causing nothing but air to slowly fall out of my open mouth.
After a moment of silence, I make a grunting noise, bringing to life the muscles that have recently failed me.
"Sorry..." I say
"About what?" River asks.
"Sorry for getting so Emo, for a moment." I say.
Where I am is laying down in my bedroom, talking to Ms. River.
Where I am is getting out of my "Good times bus" after taking a drive down memory lane, doing my best to walk a straight line and speak a straight word.
The funny thing about all of this is, you never know when that unexpected teardrop is about to form from the corner of your eye.
Three minutes ago, all I was doing was asking about a simple raspberry plant.
A raspberry plant that was purchased from a simple Low's Home and Garden with a simple twenty dollar bill.
Now I lay here and rub my Adams Apple, feeling like an extra from a Charlie Chaplin film.
"It's okay." Ms. River says. "I understand."
I take a moment and breathe, letting go a thick cloud of nostalgia, letting it pass through my vocal folds and into the air.
Three minutes ago it was a simple raspberry plant, reminding me of simple sunshine and generous offerings that make all the difference.
"What where you thinking about?" Ms. River asks
"Raspberries", I say "I was thinking about raspberries."

On Saturday's, the Lowe's Home and Garden in Henderson is open from 10 AM to 8 PM.
The digital clock on my phone tells me it's a quarter to one when we pull in the parking lot.
Ms. River and Ms. River's  Mother,-or "moms" as we both call her, have decided to stop and take a look at few seasonal plants and flowers and more importantly, a raspberry plant.
Ms. River and I had been fighting for what felt like several weeks.
After a few days of silence, sometimes the only thing to do is to argue.
When you go so long without noise, sometimes the best thing to do is just turn on the power, and turn up the volume.
Inside the open air garden, Ms. River and moms wheel a shopping cart around the corner of grass seed and insecticides.
I hand the cashier a twenty dollar bill and he hands me back $1.72 in change.
Afterwards, I turn around and walk back towards garden hoses and lawn furnishings.
What I have in my hand is a raspberry plant.
A simple plant with nothing but a short stem, sprouting from a gallon of soil, inside of a black plastic bucket.
River and moms stop in front of Jasmine flowers and whisper something back and forth in Russian.
"Rita," I say, "Here". I extend both my arms and hand over the plastic bucket with the sprouting stem.
"What's this for?" Moms asks.
"It's for you." I say, and place my arm around moms, giving her a smile and a hug.
Out of the corner of my eye, Ms. River's look, it tells me she's happy but still wants to be mad at me.
I move over to Ms. River and place my arm around her waist.
She tells me, "I'm happy but I still want to be mad you." She says.
"Sorry." I say. "Would you prefer if I were a dick?" I ask.
This is the first time I see a genuine smile in over a week.

So this is when it happens.
This is when tears form from the corner of my eye and my vocal folds, fold.
Something simple I know.
I miss times like these. Times when something so simple can make a world of difference.
I ask Ms. River about the raspberry plant, how it looks now.
"You should see it." She says. "It's crazy. It's grown from the ground up to the top of the patio."
I take a deep breath and attempt to say something.
Anything.
"Are you okay?" River asks.

Where I am right now is inside a Lowe's Home and Garden.
Watching a smile I haven't seen for weeks.
Watching my love continue to grow from the ground up to a patio.
From my larynx to my lips.

Barks In Translation

Where I am right now is standing in the entrance of Ms. River's apartment. 
What I look at, are a pair of big puppy dog eyes and a large tongue that hangs down towards the floor. 
The thing you need to realize is, if you want to get to know Ms. River, you need to get to know Maggie McGaggie. 
Standing on all fours, Maggie McGaggy continues to look up at me, and through her large, puppy brown eyes, her look says, "Who the fuck are you?" 
I bend down and reach the palm of my hand out towards her nose. Maggie sniffs and licks my palm and looks at me one more time. 
Her look says, "Okay." It says, "Just don't try anything with my mom." It says, "Mother Fucker." 
I scratch her behind her ear and tell her it's nice to meet her. 
"Pupsicles!" Ms River says. River bends down and throws her arms around Maggie McGaggie and tells her she loves her. 
The thing is, if you've ever heard Ms. River talk about Maggie, then you know. 
You see for yourself. 
You hear for yourself how much compassion and love River has bottled away, only for a select few to see. 
For those lucky enough to see this face with the mask off, it's kind of a wonderful thing. 
Ms. River puts her cheek up against the nose of Maggie McGaggie and continues to smile. 
"Pupsicles!" Ms. Rivers says "Oh, I love you puppy." She says. 
With her same puppy dog look, Maggie Mcaggie looks at Ms. River and says, "Where the fuck have you been?" She says "...and who the fuck is is the new guy?" 
I slide my laptop bag off my shoulder and take a seat next to a small kitchen table. 
Maggie makes a slow trot my way and stops two feet in front of me. 
"Hi." I say
She looks back at River and back towards me and back towards River. 
"Are you going to be nice Pupsicles?" River asks. 
Maggy Mcaggie, Pupsicles, she pauses a moment, looking towards her mom and back to me. Her look says, "Don't fucking try anything." 
My look back at her, it says, "I wont." It says "At least not when you're in the same room." 
Ms. River sets down her backpack and moves towards myself and a pair of inquisitive puppy dog eyes. 
I stand up and place the palms of both my hands on River's hips and draw her close. 
"BARK!"
I draw River close and press my lips against her lips. 
"BARK, BARK!"
My lips slide down from her lips and press against the soft skin of her neck. 
"BARK, BARK, BARK!"
While the palm of my right hand slowly moves up towards River's back, I can only translate this to, "I thought we had a deal Mother Fucker!" 
I lift Ms. River up and set her on the small dinning room table. 
My hand moves under her shirt and over the top of her breast. My opposite hand pulls up on her shit, sliding it up and over her nipples. 
Just as my tongue begins to swirl around a bare breast and bare nipple, Maggie McGaggie barks, over and over and over she barks. 
This can only translate to, "You don't waste any time do you." This translates to, "Just wait, just you fucking wait until you leave a pair of underwear or a pair of pants on the floor." 
"BARK"
"BARK"
"BARK" 
I stop and laugh and pull myself up from Ms. River and her dinning room table. 
"Maggie McGaggie!" Ms. River says. "Be nice McGags." 
Maggie McGaggie, Pupsicles, McGags, she looks up at me and over to River. Her look says, "That's better." It says, "Works every time." 
After the small kitchen table and kissing, River tells McGags that it's time to go to the park. She grabs a black leash from the kitchen and clips it to the collar of Maggie McGaggie. 
Opening the front passenger door, Ms. River tells me I might want to sit in the back. 
"She's probably going to want to sit in the front seat." River says, "Which means she probably going to want to sit on your lap." She says "Which means it might be a little uncomfortable." 
I tell her it's okay. 
"I don't mind. I'm sure it'll be fine." I say. 
Ms. River opens the back, passenger door for McGaggie.
"Go on." River says. 
Maggie McGaggie looks at Ms. River and over to me. 
"Go on." River says again. 
Maggie McGaggie jumps into the back seat of River's silver Honda Civic and looks at me. 
Her look right now, it says, "Okay." Her look says, "That's how you want to fucking play this is it?" 
Ms. River closes the front drivers door and starts her car. 
With the three of us inside, Maggie McGaggie slowly works her way from the back seat, to my lap, on top of my now squished genitalia and testicles. 
Right now, Maggie's look says, "What?" It says "It's so fun to be out of the house." It says "I'm having a great time! Are you?"
Luckily the drive to the dog park is only three blocks.
By the time we get out, everything below my torso is numb. I kick both of my feet out of the passenger side door and wait for the blood to return. 
Sometimes, this is the price you pay when you try to get to know Maggie McGaggie, when you get to know Ms. River. 
At the park, I hold the end to a short, thick rope. On the opposite end of this rope are a set of teeth, twisting and tugging and pulling. Every once in a while, I let go of my end, giving Maggie the satisfaction that she once again, has bested me. 

As the evening continues, I can honestly say I was happy to meet Maggie McGaggie. As the evening comes to a close, I can honestly say I believe the feeling was mutual. 
You see, the thing you need to realize is, if you want to get to know Ms. River, then you need to get to know Maggie McGaggie. 
You need to get to know Pupsicles, or McGags, or any other nickname Ms. River has for the Blue Heeler mix with adorable puppy brown eyes. 
The clock on my phone now reads 5:05. 
Ms. River rubs her hands through Maggie's ears and head and tells her she loves her. 
Grabbing my laptop bag, I move towards Maggie and her hanging tongue. 
"It was nice to meet you Mcgags." I say. 
Maggie McGaggie continues to hang her tongue. She looks at me through her brown, puppy dog eyes and says. "You too." Followed by, "Mother Fucker" 

Picking up the Pisces

Something small triggers an emotional avalanche, but that just means you're likely to clear away a ton of debris that leaves room for building anew, do get excited about the future Pisces. It's not as bleak as it once looked.
Today your compass will point east, towards the state of Tennessee, and the music capitol of the world they call, "Nashville."
This sign points towards, not necessarily relocation, but towards laughter and happiness and soft pillows to your face.
The world is no longer your oyster Pisces, but a lab coat, over the black, lacy, Victoria secret lingerie you call, future.
Where you are right now Pisces, is on a fast track for success. Just remember to pull over once in a while, look at the sunrise from the sunset. Look at the sunshine from all angles of life.
Don't forgot to stop and slow down Pisces. Remember not all are on your same level. Some are only on a 5, while you're a 30, posting and boasting high scores on Facebook and various social networking sites.
Today you're a calendar Pisces. While you'll be asked on many dates, there is only one you should circle. Check these boxes with caution. Fridays, Saturdays and Somedays will come suddenly, do not let this be your week-end.
Look at your job like a pendulum. Swinging back and forth from 9-9, remember to wind your watch and consider puppy faces and puppy love. While the daily grind may turn you into dust, just remember, someone out there is thinking of  you, waiting patiently, at a DMV, waiting to stand up and clap when your special number is called.
So throw yourself out there, put your name on the board, you, yourself control your destiny.

The ImPACTS of love.

     On my notebook, I write words like, "my" and "mind".
This is followed by several lines of black ink, zigzagging back and forth over these two words.
The sound my energy drink makes while popping the lid, it sounds like air escaping from a Goodyear tire.
I take my pen and cross a zigzag line over "Goodyear" and write "Michelin."
Where I am is sitting on my couch. Unable to fall asleep, I sit and write.
The television in front of me wants to know if I'd like to try the newest formula for hair growth. The advertisement tells me that actors and common people like myself have all had success.
The thoughts that keep me awake tonight are primitive ones.
These thoughts are of naked bodies with naked egos, laying on a mattress of stripped down vulnerability, falling on a blanket of uncovered emotions.
The thoughts keeping me awake tonight are thoughts of blue and soft pink, followed by thoughts of dark windows and warm breath.
My pen crosses out the word "pink" and writes "peach". My pen crosses over the word "peach" and writes "pink"
The television in front of me tells me to, "act now."
It says, "only 3 easy payments of $19.95".
It tells me to act now, and I'll get the shipping and handling for free.
The digital clock in the bottom right hand corner tells me it's a half past midnight.
The energy drink in front of me tells me I'm tired, and will crash and be more tired in two, maybe three hours.
Tonight I lay awake and think of gentle reminders over loud billboards.
When you love someone and loose someone, these reminders becomes a giant billboard. A billboard that follows you around where ever you go. It lets you know that this person you love is a television show or a commercial.
She's an inside joke or a restaurant or a slice of cake with chocolate icing.
All of these are reminders of the time the two of you shared.
All of these are reminders of the times you took for granted and would like nothing else but to get them back.
In tiny letters, my pen writes the word, "chocolate" in front of the word "cake"

The window tint on  her driver and passenger side windows, they tell me it's okay to move forward. 
The large windshield in front of me, the one with wiper-blades and a small family of four in front, this tells me to stay exactly where I am. 
Where I am exactly, is in the front passenger seat, laying with the seat back, with River laying in my lap. 
My right hand slowly slides down her right thigh, between both her legs. 
River's soft pink lips meet my lips while the palm of my hand rubs over a pair of denim jeans. 
Her moan and breath tell me to keep going. 
The white Chevy Blazer that parks next to us, tells me to stop. 
This is the first day River and I hang out, outside of our writers' group. 
This is the first day we've given each other more than one word to write about. 
Ms. River looks up at me, through her deep blue eyes and tells me she wants it to be different this time. 
"I really like you." She says. "I don't want it to be like every other time with every other guy." She says. 
I rub my fingers through the side of her maple brown hair and say, "Okay." 
Looking through tinted windows and bug marks, my right thumb swipes the side of her porcelain cheek. 
"So where are you trying to go with this?" I ask. 
"I don't think we should have sex yet." She says. "Not right now." She says. "I think we should wait three weeks." She says. 
Right now my heart sits in the passenger seat and beeps. It pulses and moves to the sound of an unexpected emotion, one it's never played before. 
My primitive male reaction is to say something like, "Three weeks, one day, it's all the same." 
Instead, I look down into these hazy eyes and say, "sure." I say "that makes sense." I say "yeah, okay". 
The funny though about love, it doesn't have to be three weeks or two months or one year. It can be the first day the two of you spend alone. 
The funny thing about love with River, it can be the moment before the moment's actually started. 
Before silver cars and passenger seats and denim jeans, I was already in love. I was already in love with blue eyes and pink lips. I had already painted a portrait of porcelain skin on a billboard to follow me at every twist and turn. 
The funny thing about love is it doesn't matter if it's one day or three weeks or one year. 
If it's love, time shouldn't make a difference to make it. 
I look down towards Ms. River, into these hazy eyes and I say, "sure." I say "that makes sense." I say "yeah, okay". 


Where I am is on a couch.
The television in front of me wants to know if I'd like to save 10 percent on car insurance.
The pen in my right hand and the paper in my lap, they both want to know if she'll ever come back.
The heart underneath my plain white T-shirt tells me she will.
Tonight I sit in front of a Television, one that tells me all about E-trades and E-harmonies and Esurances.
I sit on a couch wide awake, trying to find the key to open my mind.
The words that keep me awake tonight are "emptiness", "loneliness", "volatile".
If I'm going to write, then I'm going to open my heart, pump blood out through my left ventricle and move from hope to promise.

So River and I, we sit in a parked car and make a pact. 
The funny thing about pacts, they don't usually last as long as they intend to. 

Pine Needles and Quill Pens.

     The message on my cellphone, it tells me River tried calling. It tells me I have one missed call, from 29 minutes earlier
My thumb presses the green square button that dials River's number.

River's thing today is:
She say's she loves me.
She say's she still likes me. "A lot" she says.
She says despite the above two comments, she doesn't think I'm worth it. For all the pain and hurt I've caused her.
On my notebook I write words like, "like" and "love"
I write the word "BUT" in capitol letters and underline it, twice.
I hear Ms. River take a long inhale and exhale through her phone.
Ms. River, she wants to know if I think I'm a good person.
I pause.
"No." I say
"Then why aren't you doing anything to change yourself?" She wants to know.
I pause
I pause and think of a response. After several seconds of self loathing and self reflection, I say, "I don't know.
Right now, I am a Brothers Grimm.
Right now, I am a fairy tale, hanging a life size mirror on my blue wall.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Who is the biggest fuck-up, of us all.
The mirror I stare into, it self reflects a long and jagged index finger, toward my long and self deprecated face.
"You!" This  mirror says.
Why aren't I doing anything to make myself better?
This sentence I jot down in my notebook, over and over I write this.
I circle this sentence and put a trail of questions marks behind it.
Ms. River wants to know why I'm so cruel.
How and why I could do something like this to her.
I breathe and long and steady breath through my phone and tell her,
"I don't know" I say
"What are you going to say?" She wants to know. "What are you going to do?"
I tell her I don't know.
The truth is, I could say a lot. To quote Ms. River, I could say and do "A fuck ton."
It's the execution I'm lacking.
Lack of execution when it comes to romance, simply leads to the execution of the end of romance.
It's the quiet things we do that hurts the people we love.
The thing about River, and most of her ideals, she's right most of the time.
River, she says I give up.
She tells me with a stern voice only Ms. River can mutter and tells me I give up almost everyday.
"Every time you don't call me." She says "You give up."
"Every time you're not writing, you give up."
"Every time there are no flowers, you give up." She says.
Ms. River takes another breath through her phone and exhales a love she's trying very hard to hold to.
"So..." She says "What are you going to do?"
What am I going to do?
I write this sentence down, drawing a box around this statement.
What I'm going to do is not give up.
What I'm going to do is not give up and cross my fingers, placing tips around the hope that I can somehow crawl out of this hole, this cavern of fuck-ups and let downs that I, myself have dug.
"Each day you don't call me to see how I'm doing," River says, "You're giving up."
What I'm going to do is show River love.
A true love.
A love that places the other person above, ahead and beyond yourself.
Where I'm at right now, is sitting in my room.
I'm sitting in my room, thinking of love and hearts needing to mend
I'm thinking of the woman I love, writing on my notebook with a black bic pen.
Talking and listening to Ms. River.
While I talk to her, it feels as if my heart is full of pens and pine needles, as if blood is returning to a numb muscle, a muscle that's been asleep for fall to long.
I tell Ms. River that I should get back to typing. That I have a weeks worth of stories I owe my readers.
"I'll talk to you later?" I say.
"Promise?" She asks.
"Promise, promise." I say.

The 5 W's you meet in Road Rage.

Where I am is sitting on the curb in front of my house, smoking a cigarette.
I watch as two men from across the street, dressed in cowboy hats and bolo ties, walk towards an old blue pickup truck.
I watch as this pickup truck rolls it's windows up and turns the radio on.
Sitting outside, smoking my cigarette, I listen as a steady thumb and bump come from this blue pickup truck.
This steady thump and bump is followed by a woman's voice, singing the same words and phrases, over and over again, in a loop.
Suddenly, there's a break in the music, a silence. During this silence, a voice under a cowboy hat yells from inside the truck, "Wait for it..." This is followed by a thunderous crash of distorted beats and buzzing noises.
The blue pickup truck starts to shake and the two cowboys wave their arms up and down.
Oil and Vinegar.
Sugar and Salt
Cowboys and Techno music.
I flick my cigarette into the street and wish Ms. River was here.
To witness this with me.
To sit on the curb next to me.
To watch cowboy hats and bolo ties listen to techno music.
To have someone sit and crack the fuck up with me.



    Ms. River taps on the breaks with her foot and slams on the horn with her hand.
"Fucker!" She says. Followed by "Moron!"
I flick my cigarette out of the passenger side window and laugh.
"Get 'em!" I say.
WHERE we are is on I-215, heading east towards Henderson. The asphalt still shines from an earlier rainfall, and Ms. River's personality continues to glow with every mile marker we pass.
Ms. River, she throws both of her hands up in the air and says "Would you fucking go?" Followed by "Please?"
"Get 'em!" I say again.
River looks over at me, over at the smile on face and says, "Shut the fuck up!"  Followed by "Jerk!"
This is what common society would call, "Road Rage".
This is what Ms. River would call, "Driving."
Placing her left hand on her forehead, she shakes her head and says, "Fucking Morons."
This what I would call, "Riding in a car with Ms. River."
To be quite honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's that moment when the angry become the adorable.
Ms. River honks on her horn and extends her middle finger and yells. She does this while I light another cigarette and laugh.
It's that moment when I become the asshole in the passenger seat.
"It's not funny!" River says.
"Yes it is." I say
"You fucking love it." She says.

WHAT I'm doing is holding a cell phone.
Ms. River yells and shouts on the other end, saying phrases like, "Would you fucking go?" and "Hurry the fuck up and drive, please!"
I don't hear the horn honk, but even over the phone I can sense her middle finger extending upright, giving a nice "fuck you!" towards today's vehicular victim.
I pinch the phone between my ear and shoulder and spread raspberry jam over a piece of white bread.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I'm trying to fucking drive!" She says. "But apparently, this fucker doesn't want to."

WHEN I open the passenger door to River's car, the sunset begins to rise over the hood of her silver Honda sedan.
It's the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Ms. River hasn't had her coffee yet.
Maggie Mcaggie jumps into the front passenger seat, sits and waits for me to close the door behind her. I walk around to the rear, drivers side door, open and take my place
Maggie Mcaggie, or Mcgags as River calls her, watches as I walk from front passenger side, to the rear driver side door and take my place.
Maggie's look say's
"Ha!"
Her looks says
"Look at me!"
Her looks says
"I'm the one in front!" Followed by "Mother Fucker!"
River, Mcgags and I take off down the parking lot towards the entrance/exit to the complex.
Just out of the entrance, pokes the hood of a green Ford Taurus.
The three of us sit, and idle behind a blinking right turn signal.
Compact cars, four door sedans and lifted up pickup trucks continue to pass by, in front of us. One by one, these cars drive by, on their way to discount prices and long checkout lines.
Finally, we spot a break in traffic.
The three of us continue to sit and idle, watching as holiday cheer and door buster prices continue to roll on by.
Ms. River curls her fingers around the steering wheel and separates each word with a slight pause.
"This...is...fucking...retarded!" She says.
The snap of a car horn comes from underneath the sunlight hood.
"Move!" River says. "Fuckster!"
I pop my head up from the back seat. "I love it when you say that word."
"What word?" She says "Fuckster?"
"Yes." I say, "Fuckster."
River lays on her horn again and shouts, "Fucking... go!" Followed by "Must...get...coffee."

WHO I'm talking to is Brent Newbry. Brent is the Director of Sales for Lodging and Dynamics, a hospitality company based out of Salt Lake.
I stand in front of the Bellegio, in front of it's man-made pond and tell Brent I hope he has a safe drive down from Salt Lake City.
A large group of tourists stand behind me and watch as a large fountain dances to a Shania Twain song.
A silver Honda crosses through the intersection of Flamingo and Las Vegas Blvd, headed towards me and Shania Twain.
I step towards the curb and wave my hand, like I'm signaling a taxi.
"Hi." I say.
I tell my cell phone I'll be there at 6:30, at the Marriott in Henderson.
Inside the car, Ms. River throws a pack of Marlboro cigarettes on my lap.
"Nobody knows how to fucking drive in this town." She says.
I unwrap the cellophane from my flip top box of cigarettes.
"How was your day?" I ask.
"Fucking busy." She says.
We drive around the block, and head back towards Flamingo.
River tells me "this person" and "that person" have been blowing up her phone all day. Asking her to do "this thing" and "that thing."
"Don't people understand that I'm fucking busy!" She says.
We continue to move down Flamingo, zigzagging from one lane to another. Feeling a sudden urge to smoke I pull a Marlboro from my flip top box and light it.
"Sorry you've had a rough day" I say.
River's fingers curl tight around the steering wheel, holding our lives at ten and two, she says, " Fucker!"
Her middle finger extends an inch from the front window. "Suck a fuck!" She says.

WHY I laugh, it's because some asshole has blocked River and I from moving into the right lane.
Why I laugh is because River doesn't give a fuck. She moves forward, finding a small gap in between this asshole's car and the car ahead of him, she wedges her silver Honda in front of the asshole, in front of his extended middle finger and shouts of rage.
This asshole, he rolls down his window and yells, "Really? He says "You're gonna fucking block me like that?"
I roll the passenger side window down and poke my head halfway out of the car.
"Really?" I say "You're gonna let something like this ruin whole fucking night?" I say "You're gonna get that worked up over something like this?" I say "Whatever makes you happy man."
This asshole, the one behind the wheel of his black Cadillac Escalade, his arm reaches down and his hand grabs his inside door handle.
This is when I think
"Oh fuck"
This is when I think
"He's gonna get out the car."
This is when I think
"Please let me at least get one good punch in, in front of my girlfriend."
This is when a hand from the passenger seat of his black SUV reaches over and rests on this assholes shoulder.
After a moment of silence, the traffic begins to move and River and I speed away, in front of the asshole with the rational wife.

Where I am is sitting on a curb, lighting another cigarette, wishing Ms. River was here. The funny thing about River and I, is we make the world our theater. We find a way to find amusement wherever we go.
We dance in streets and run through grocery stores. We yell random things at random people and shoot random streetlights with our fingers. We make love in random places like public bathrooms and outside patios. The thing that isn't random about River and I, is River and I.
Sitting on the curb in front of my house, I wish River was here. Watching the world together, with open eyes and open hearts.

Three more days...

I was a leach, it sucked.

     Ms. River sends me a text, letting me know Robin Williams has passed away.
I tell her I know.
I just found out about the news a few minutes before River sends me the text.
The news is heartbreaking and it saddens me.
What I feel like saying is everything and nothing.
Nothing because I'm speechless.
Everything because he's done so much, affected so many people.
Ironically, there's even a tie between Robin Williams, Ms. River and myself.
The writer's group we started, were River and I came together was started with the phrase,
"Oh captain my captain..." The well known phrase from The Dead Poets Society.

Robin Williams
July, 1951-August, 2014



     What I am right now is a leach.

     Where I am right now,is on a couch, in Ms. River's living room.
Sitting directly across from me, is The Professor. We call him this on account that he teaches at the College of Southern Nevada, and is in fact, an actual professor.
River and I refer to him simply as "prof".
"What are you aware of?" Prof wants to know.
"I'm aware of the dirt on my stomach." I say "I feel afraid for my life." I say
Prof moves forward, to the edge of his seat and says, "If you could talk right now, what would you say?"
I close my eyes and get back into character. "I'm just a damsel in distress." I say
Opening my eyes, I look around the room. River sits on the floor, to my left and laughs.
When I speak my voice is high. I do my best to mimic a female leach, in distress.
What we're doing is called a "Dream Workshop."
This is the forth Sunday the three of us have gotten together, to talk about a dream, something with an Anima or Animus.
Something with significance.
With emotional reaction.
Something with Curiosity.
The professor, he wants to know if I'm aware I might die soon, if I'm aware there are a large group of ants, just around the corner, waiting to smother and kill me.
"Yes," I say "I don't know how, but I do know my life as a leach is in danger."

Inside the oven, sits a whole chicken. 
Around the whole chicken sits whole potatoes and chopped up carrots. All of these sit inside a large baking pot, baking at 400 degrees.
I grab a towel from the laundry room next door, and pull out the pot, setting it on top of the oven.
The digital clock above the stove reads 12:45. The professor should be here in fifteen minutes. I take a kitchen knife, and cut a slit into the breast of the chicken. The meat looks white and moist. I take a fork and check a potato. It feels firm in the middle. Needing another twenty minutes or so, I place the pot back into the oven, and wipe down the counters.
What I'm doing is getting lunch ready.
This is the forth Sunday the three of us will meet. To talk about dreams and feelings and what we're aware of's.
This is the forth Sunday we'll eat lunch to break the ice. The warm up before the workout.
I fold blankets over the couch, and toss little pieces of trash inside a plastic Walmart bag.
These pieces of trash by the way, River calls them my "Scruff Crumbs".
So I find myself picking up little pieces of Scruff Crumbs, pieces consisting of Jolly Rancher wrappers and the cellophane from cigarette packs, when River walks through the door.
She wants to know how the chicken is. I tell her it's not done yet, and tie the handles from the plastic Walmart bag in a knot. 
The digital clock on the microwave reads 1:02 when the professor knocks on the door. 
I say hello as I pass him in the doorway. Throwing the garbage in the dumpster, I stop and say hello to the maintenance man responsible for the apartment. His look tells me he doesn't recognize me, but he say's hello anyway. 
Back inside the apartment, River and the professor are standing in the kitchen, eating a plate of chicken and potatoes. 
Not having eaten anything all day, I pull a drumstick off the whole chicken and load up on potatoes. 
For the next ten minutes we stand and eat and talk about Carl Jung and Freud. 
Prof tells us that he once read, Freud had made a pass on Jung's wife. This is only after he tells us he had a dream about having an affair with Jung's wife. 
After a quick cigarette, River and I sit down on the couch, while The Professor takes a seat in his usual chair, directly across from us. 
"So who's going first?" Profs asks. 
River looks over at me. 
She gives me that look that says,
"You've got a good dream."
She gives me that look that says,
"You're going first."
She gives me that look that says,
"Don't be a fucking pussy." 
"I guess I'll go first." I say. 
I intertwine my fingers and push out my palms, popping my knuckles. 
Taking a deep breath, I tell The Professor all about my dream. 
What I am is a butterfly. 
I flap my wings and float around the ceiling of a hotel room. 
Prof wants to know what I'm aware of. 
"I'm aware of freedom." I say. "I'm aware of the air underneath my wings and around me." 
What I am now is a bird, sitting in a nest, hanging from the same ceiling in the corner of the hotel room. 
What I'm aware of is tranquility. Sitting in my nest, looking down at everything else, I feel as if everything's going to be alright. As if nothing bad can happen while I'm up here, in my safe haven. 
Next I'm a bug, slowly crawling over the carpet. 
I'm laid back taking my time with everything. 
Then I'm a Hillbilly, outside of a rest stop, making fun a leach, crawling in the dirt. 
I feel slow and dumb and slightly racist. 
Now I'm myself. Walking alongside a leach. Where I am right now is outside of a rest stop, walking on a dirt trail, trying to escort a leach back to the same hotel where I was a bird and a bug and a butterfly. 
Prof leans over in his chair, looks at me and asks, "Are there any of these characters that stand out to you?" He says "Anyone in particular you want to focus on?"
I tell him not that I can think of. 
The prof thinks for a minute. "I'd like to focus on the leach." He says "I think there's something there." 

What I am right now is a leach. 
I'm aware of the dirt against my stomach as I slither around a dirt trail, trying to move forward. 
I hold my arms to my side and move my torso in a S, trying to mimick this same slithering motion. 
This leach, it feels like royalty. It feels like a princess, like it's important that it stays alive, makes it back to her safe haven. 
Where I am right now is slithering around the corner of a dirt trail, spotting a group of ants, waiting to smother and kill me. 
What I feel is anxiety. 
"Now..." The prof says "Tell me how you would respond as the ants begin to attack you." 
I tell him I would respond with something like, "Help me..." I say "Maybe please help me." 
I place my hands on my knees and lean forward. 
"Maybe get the fuck off me." 
"Now, let's go back to you, being you." Prof says. "How do you feel." 
"I feel sad." I say. "Like there's nothing I can do." 
I tell him I try to brush the ants off the leach but more ants continue to come. I tell prof that it's useless. Nothing's working and I can hear the leach die. I tell him the leach's voice slowly fades out and it dies. 
This is the forth Sunday we meet and talk about our dreams. 
We sit with the prof and talk about leaches and dirt trails and safe havens. 
We eat chicken and potatoes and talk about sleeping with Carl Jung's wife and smoke cigarettes. 
We do this on Sundays at 1:00 in the afternoon and I absolutely love it. 
I look over to my left, at Ms. River and say, "You're next."
"Nope." She says. 

For the Alliance!

     It will be a week tomorrow. A week from being able to see Ms. River. Being able to place my hands in her hands and soak up her deep blue, meditterean eyes.
Today my heart is a calendar, check marking little boxes, waiting for the day I circle, the day I see her again.
Today my heart turns back almost two months. Turns back to the last time I saw her. The last time I held her her in my arms.
My left arm over her left shoulder makes everything that's wrong in this world, right.


     Where I am right now is in Darnassus. This is the capital city for the Night Elf of the Alliance.
What I'm doing is running around, looking for the class trainer, trying to level up my abilities.
Ms. River follows behind me, whispering to me she says, "I think it's over this way."
I stop and spin around. Three hundred and sixty degrees, I spin past vibrant buildings and terraces made from tree's and thick vines.
The atmosphere of Darnassus is quiet, somewhat melancholic.
I stop and let Ms. River take over. I stand and pause, watching her tall slender, elvish frame jog by and take the lead.    
Ms. River leads us south, over a causeway and into the temple gardens. 
River leads us into a door, and down a set of steps. This is what's called the "Cenarion Enclave. It reminds me of an underground World War 2 bunker. Instead of Nazi's and short wave radio, it's full of Druids and tiny, star like orbs floating through the air. 
Ms. River leads me over to a night elf named Shenthul. He would be my rogue trainer. 
"Ha!" Ms. Rivers whispers. 
"You were right." I whisper back. 
"Say it!" She says. 
"You were so right baby." I whisper. "You were so, so right!" 
I look away from my keyboard, and over to Ms. River and slightly dig my fingers into her rib cage.
"Don't!" She cries
"Don't what" I ask
"Don't tickle me!" She says. 
I turn my attention back to my laptop and choose "Stealth" for my next ability. 
"It's what you get! I say. 
"For what? For being right?" She says
I stand in front of my trainer and choose my first ability. 
I choose Garote. 
I choose Vanish. 
I choose to place my hand over Ms. River's knee cap and squeeze down. 
"Fucker!" She says. 
I choose Cheap Shot and realize I'm all out of points to spend. 

The Previous evening...


The status bar on my computer screen tells me I have 4 hours and 23 minutes. I look over at Ms. River and want to know what her screen says.
"3 hours, 45 minutes."She says. "Mine's going faster than yours."
"So." I say.
"So...you suck!" She says.
I look back at the screen, and watch. The status bar ticks slowly towards the right.
What we're doing is downloading a bootlegged version of "World Of Warcraft."
What we're doing is waiting anxiously for the download to complete.
What we're doing is completely "geeking out."
Ms. River's cell phone rings, taking our focus away from anticipation and total geekdom.
It's Elena, calling to see what River and I are up to.
After a minute or two of conversation, Ms. River hangs up the phone and wants to know if I want to go with her to pick up Elena.
"Sure." I say.
The thing about Ms. River and I, we both share a lot of the same interests.
Like writing
Like reading.
Like Multiplayer Online Roleplaying games.
Like World Of Warcraft.
We both put on our coats and head out the door.
Inside the car, River wants to know what kind of character I'm going to roll. 
I tell her I'll probably play a Rogue. "That's all I've really played." I say "What are you going to roll?" I ask. 
"I think I might be a Priest." She says. "Priests are fucking sexy". 
We drive to the other side of Henderson, towards Elena, away from status bars and online gaming. 

Sitting in River's living room, with River and Elena, I check the status on my laptop. 
1 hour, 45 minutes. 
River, she suggests we go outside, give each other a word and write. 
I completely agree, thinking this might take my mind off of my night elf rogue, and his leather working profession. 
Staring off, into an alternate reality I think of a bright future. One with tens of thousands of gold, and a strong night elf heritage. I think of songs the good people of Azeroth will sing about me, tens and thousands of years later. 
I stop myself and think about what a big, fucking geek I am, right now, in Ms. River's living room. 
My feet push me off the couch, and head outside, out to River's patio. 

The patio we sit on, has a long piece of carpet, laid over the concrete floor below. 
Each of us sit down on the carpet and smoke cigarettes, flicking the ash into a makeshift ashtray, made from the lid of a Hazelnut Cookie jar.
We each give and get a word, and we write. 
River gives me the word, "Streetlight". I take my time and write about city streets, during winter time. I write about snowflakes, how they fall into view, how they suddenly appear under the glowing, golden frame from the streetlights above. 
What I want to write about, would be the 10 and 20 man raids River and I will be able to go on soon. 
What I want to write about is the auction house, the buying and selling of items for profit. 
The three of us go around, reading our word and the story it surrounds. 
I take a moment to look at the status bar on my laptop. 
0 hours, 42 minutes. 
The butterfly's in my stomach spread their wings, spreading anticipation and geekdom all throughout my insides. 
After another forty minutes of smoking cigarettes and writing, River and I notice the download is almost complete. 
The three of us put on our coats and head out the door, on our way to Elena's, on our way to Night elves, to Azeroth, to 20 man raids. 

The next day...

Out of points, I walk over to the corner of the room, where Ms. River stands, leveling up her abilities. 
I stand behind and decide to dance. 
I twirl and spin, and thrust my hips towards River and her night elvish ass. 
"Fucking dork!" She whispers. 
Making a sexual comment, I dance one more time, spinning and twirling and thrusting my hips towards her ass again. 
"You finished yet?" I whisper.
"Just about." She says. "Are you finished?"  
I type /dance on my laptop and watch as my Character dances and thrusts. This I cannot get enough of. 
I sit there and laugh and dance, while Ms. Rivers finishes leveling up her character. 
I lean over and kiss River on the neck. She spins her head towards mine and we kiss. This is when I dig my fingers back into her rib cage. 
"Don't!" She says. 
I place my hands up, underneath her shirt, and we kiss and pull layers of clothes off each other.

My character continues to dance and thrust in the background. 

Details, in blue, peach and yellow.

     The inside of my bedroom has three colors. The north and south walls are painted peach. The east and west walls are painted a marine blue. The door is painted yellow.
Why these colors I don't know. What I do know is, I have been inside and outside of these walls for weeks now.This is the first time I've sat down and really noticed a color contrast.
How is feel right now is enlightened.
Where I am right now, is sitting near a window, listening to nothing but the sound of crickets, singing to me from the Salt Lake Valley.
I set my laptop down and move outside, taking a short break from words and snap shot memories.
Lighting a cigarette, I think of the conversation River and I had earlier today.
Ms. River, over the phone she tells me, "You think about me naked a lot, don't you?"
I take a deep inhale, letting the nicotine settle in my blood. I exhale, and remember my response being, "No."
Even the crickets call me a fucking liar.


     Ms. River sits quietly on a couch, turning pages from a paperback book she sits silently, moving her lips slightly with every word she reads. 
Where I am right now is forty feet from a sea of blue eyes, and a wave of soft maple brown hair. 
How I feel is curious. 
Since I've been here, this girl, the one with porcelain skin and a picture perfect smile, has talked to everyone here.  Everyone but me. 
I shuffle my size eleven feet forward, moving closer to her, and her amazing smile and soft pink lips. 
How I feel is anxious. 
Thirty feet.
How I feel is vulnerable. 
Ten feet. 
How I feel is inquisitive. 
As a writer, you need to be charming. You're almost expected to. It's one of those things you carry with you, along with your moleskin notepad and ballpoint pen. 
I clear my throat and think of my best opening. 
Ready 
Set
"Hi." I say. "What are you doing?" 
"Reading a book." River says "For homework." 
I move closer and take a seat next to her on the couch. 
"Do you have a minute?" I ask. "To read you something of mine?" 
Ms. River closes her book and tells me she does. 
What I read, is something out of an old, purple spiral bound notebook. What I read is something written with a black, ball point pen. What I read, is a small segment about withdrawal. 
I read from my spiral bound notebook and tell her, the first thing you do, when writing about withdrawal, is to remember all the details. 
The details of withdrawal are panic. 
Cold Sweats. 
Nausea. 
The details of withdrawal are sleepless nights, with nothing to do but write about withdrawal. 
After I finish, Ms. River tells me she has something she wants to read me. She gets up and walks to a computer, set up on a long, semi circle desk. 
I watch as she moves across the room, towards the printer and the story she wants to read to me. 
The details of Ms. River are graceful. 
Sexy
Confident. 
After only a moment, River sits back down on the couch next me and begins to read. 
Her staccato is short, and simple, but elegant. With every word she reads, she breathes a passion into the air some artists' never do. 
After she's finished, she reads something else. This time a short poem. 
Her words move, one after another with a simple beat that fits perfectly into her structure. 
I tell her I love it. 
I tell her I'm very impressed.
I tell her she should continue to write. 
I tell her she should continue to write and want to know if she wants to do a writing exercise with me. 
Ms. River looks up at a clock hanging from the wall and says, "I think I have enough time." 
The exercise I suggest is simple. We each exchange with each other, one word. Once you receive that word, you write about it. You fit that word into your story, your poem, your whatever you choose to write. You fit that word into the pocket of your heart and let it bleed on your spiral bound notebook with wide margin rule. 
So we each give and get a word.
And we write. 

I flick my cigarette into an empty street and the tell the crickets to fuck off.
On my way back  inside, I think of Ms. River. I think of the way she'd look at me while I was behind her. How I'd place the palms of my hands on her hips.
Maybe I do think about her naked.
Naked. Not naked.
Maybe I just think about River.
Inside my bedroom, I think about the things we miss.
Like walls painted in peach and marine blue. A yellow door you open but never see it's actual color.
The crickets continue to chirp behind me.
Inside the contrasted walls of my bedroom, I look at the notes from my notebook. I think of where I should go next, where I should take this story. I place my headphones over my ears, pick up my laptop, and continue to write.

Ms. River looks up, at the clock hanging from the wall. 
It reads ten minutes to eleven. 
"I have to get ready to leave." She says. "I don't want to, but I have to." 
I tell her I understand. 
Before she leaves, Ms. River tells me we should have a write off. "You bring your A game and I'll bring mine." She says. "Bring it!" Says "Come on bring it!" 
I tell her it doesn't have to be a contest. "We just give each other a word and write." I say
"Bring it!" She says. 
Ms. River looks at me with her cool, blue eyes and says, "It's literally, a literary showdown." 
I tell her that's one fuck of a tongue twister. 
"Bring it!" She says. 
Before she leaves, I hand her a short story of mine. 
Michelle Gallager
It's about a housewife, who becomes so unhappy in her marriage, she self medicates with drugs and alcohol. 
"Handle with care." I say. 
The clock hanging from the wall reads two minutes to eleven. 
River gathers her things, books and pens and a cool composer, and places them in a black, zip up backpack. 
The details of Ms. River are intelligence. 
sarcasm. 
competitive. 
The details of Ms. River are details I write down in my spiral bound, purple notebook. 
Details I never want to forget. 
"Bring it!"

Finally! A Secret worth typing.

     Ms. River sends me a text, telling me she loves me, followed by the nickname, "puppy face"
I grab the remote control, and change the channel from the news, to some show about a man and a woman, surviving in the Malaysian Jungle. Naked. The breast's and the genitals are of course covered by a television filter, but for some reason Spike T.V. has decided to show the ass of both party members. The okay, and the horrible.
Right in front of me on Television.
Where I am is in my living room, laying on my couch, getting ready for bed. I can only think what it would be like with River and I on this show. Naked. In the Malaysian jungle. Trying to survive.
Ms. River would probably be the first one to tell you she'd do the hunting and gathering. She'd tell you I'd stay at the campfire and cook, while she killed and cleaned the game.
I'd probably be the first one to tell you that she'd be telling the truth.
Then Ms. River would stand there naked, in the Malaysian jungle and ask for a point up on the board.           I'd stand there naked and smiling. I'd tell her no fucking way, that this is a proven fact! There was no whit behind it, no creativity, no points. While her buck knife slices through the skin of a squirrel, or boar, or whatever she brings back, she'll laugh and tell me to go "suck a fuck!"

Where I am right now is in a Hospital.
Inside the lobby, I sit down next the only outlet I can find, and plug in my cheap, flip top phone.
What I'm doing is here supporting my roommate, Matt. Over the past week, My roommate's leg has been leaking fluid and pus out of his right shin. This all started from a cut he received while waking into the corner of an open door.
So Matt sits behind closed doors, off limits to myself, while I sit in the lobby of Mountain View hospital in North Las Vegas.
Earlier today, River and I had our first conversation in almost a month. Since she left the place we first met.
For the past three weeks, River and I had exchanged niceties, jokes, flirts, and lately online, via Facebook.
For the past three weeks, we would exchange music and secrets no one else knew.
We'd send smiles and winks, formed from colons and semi colons.
Tales of ex lovers, from the tragic to the forgettable.
We'd do this till Three, sometimes four O'clock in the morning. Never saying how we really felt, about each other.
Until this morning.
For the past three weeks, we would exchange music and secrets no one else knew.
The biggest secret of all, was the simple fact that both of us were in love with the person opposite of the screen from where we were sitting.
Somewhere around Three, maybe Four O'clock in the morning, I send Ms. River a picture of myself.
Underneath the photo, I write as a caption, "I know I've already sent this to you but..."
After a few minutes, River, she writes back "Nope. Must have been some other girl."
I pick up my laptop and move from the couch, to the outside patio. The butt of a Marlboro light touches my lips and I type back, "Nope. No other girls."
I wait a few minutes for Ms. River to respond. I wait a few minutes and look through the thick, cold October air and wonder where Ms. River is, what part of the dark sky she's looking up at. Is she thinking of me like I think of her, right now, this very moment?
My laptop beeps, letting me know I have a message.
"I think I'm going to bed?" She types.
"Why?" I ask.
"Trust issues." She says.
I take a deep breath in. Despite River's frustration and sudden need to end our conversation, a smile crawls over my face.
"I just realized something tonight." I type.
"What?"
My fingers stall. They stop moving and stall and I ask myself if I should really type what I'm about to type.
"That you really like me?" As I  type these words, I say them out loud to myself at the same time.
"Oh really?" She types, "And how do you know that?"
"No reason. Forgot about it." I type.
"Well..." River types, "We can sit here, and you can deflect, and we can play the secret game, or we can tell each how we really feel." She types. "Your choice."
I light another cigarette and breathe in a thick cloud of nervous air. Exhaling a cloud of vulnerability, my fingertips dance around the keyboard.
Secret,
After secret,
After secret,
After secret,
I tell Ms.River the biggest secret of all.
That I am absolutely falling head over heals for her. That I have been since the first day we spoke. Since the first day we exchanged stories and read to each other.
So I sit in the Lobby of a hospital. There for emotional support. There in case my roommate Matt needs someone to drive him back to the house.
Waiting in the Lobby, I flip open my phone and highlight River's name from my contact list.
My thumb presses send, I take a deep breath and I wait to hear her voice...

Cliche's are made to be broken.

     Robert and I sit on his front steps and share a cigarette. This is when he tells me relationships are bullshit nowadays.
"There's just too much fucking thought put in them." He tells me.
"What do you mean?" I say
Robert takes another drag off of his cigarette and hands in back to me.
"I don't know." He says. "Just feels like too much thinking is behind them." Says "Two people should just love each and be around each other and be happy for the time they have around each other."
I take a deep inhale from the cigarette we share, and I think about Ms. River.
I tell Robert I don't think relationships are bullshit.
I sit on the cool summer steps of night, and think of the little things that made River and I. That made our relationship.

Where we are right now is on I-15. Stuck in traffic. Stuck beside idling cars and the stale, bright lights of the Las Vegas strip.
How I feel right now is content.
Where we are right now is stuck in traffic on I-15, and I've never been more content, more satisfied with my surroundings in my entire life.
The fingers of my left hand, curl around the fingers of River's right hand and we sit and smile.
Ms. River picks up her cell phone, and tries one more time to call her friend Elena.
"Her fucking phone's dead." She says.
Her friend Elena is someone we were supposed to pick up 20 minutes ago, which we would of made in plenty of time. If we weren't here, stuck in traffic.
"Fuck it." I say. "Nothing we can do."
I remove my left hand from her hand and run it through the side of her hair. I move in and place my lips against her lips and I tell her I love her.
"I love you too." She says.
I rub my thumb against the side of her cheek, take a moment and become lost in her eyes.
"What do you see right now?" I ask.
Ms. River takes a moment to look forward, towards the stale traffic and stale lights.
"Vibrant essence." She says. 
She wants to know what I see.
I tell her it's not what I see, it's what I hear. I look outside the passenger window and tell her I hear life. I  hear a vibrant city full of life and energy.
Stuck in traffic, I rub my hand through the side of her hair again, and press my lips against hers. A car behind us honks.
River and I both laugh and we move forward, five, maybe ten feet again.
Taking a moment to notice the atmosphere around us, I only realize now the five, maybe ten feet we've moved in the past 40 minutes.
The thing about Ms. River and I, the thing I've come to realize, we can do absolutely nothing, and feel something at the same time.
Forty minutes feels like five minutes. One day with her feels like one hour.
My fingertips rub against the top of her left hand and I think statistically, what a lifetime would feel like feel like, with River and her eyes.
One week?
One month?
One year?
I laugh to myself thinking the only down side would be the way time goes by, I'd be 80,  maybe 90 years old faster than I'd like. I could only hope she'd never have to change my shitty diapers.
I tell Ms. River I love her again.
She tells me she loves me too. She tells me she loves me too but doesn't want to turn it into a cliche.
"Never." I say.
For the past hour, Ms. River and I have been stuck in traffic and I've never been more content. More satisfied with my surroundings.
We've come up on the Sahara exit and Ms. River tilts her car to the right, moving over towards the exit.
Before we turn left onto Sahara, I close my eyes and take a snap shot of the moment we've just shared.
It's never a cliche when you really love someone.
"I love you." I say
"I love you too."
Never.

It's fucked up...

It's fucked up.

Ms. River sends me a text message, telling me she's not going to the beach anymore.
Using nothing but my thumbs, I type in three simple letters, "W,H,Y," followed by a question mark.
She tells me that Patrick is butt hurt because he can't handle her when she's stressed out.
I tell her I'm sorry to hear that.
This is after last night, when Ms. River tells me that her and Patrick aren't clicking. "We're cool." She types, "Just not like that." She tells me sometimes she thinks about me, and becomes sad.
As fucked up as it sounds, a sudden flood of warmth covers my stomach. The poisonous butterfly's, the ones that have been tearing up my insides for the past month, are no longer there.
This was before Ms. River tells me she's no longer going to the beach. This was before Ms. River was hurt and upset. She tells me she has the whole weekend off, and nobody to go the beach with.
For the past month, I've been the cause of hurt. The cause of pain for River. I don't like to see her hurt. When it's someone else that causes that pain, I like it even less.

Where I am right now is standing naked. 

Where I am right now is standing naked, in River's bedroom holding a pillow in my right hand, standing "en garde".
River side steps towards me and swings her pillow down, and around, right into my face.
"Ha!" She laughs.
"That was good." I say. "I think I'll give that one to you."
I swing my pillow sideways, towards her face. She catches it with her hand and flings her pillow up towards my face, catching me right on the nose.
"You fucking bitch!" I say.
All Ms. River can do is laugh.
Again, I swing my pillow. This time down and around hoping to catch her on the top of her head. Instead, she catches it with her hand and flings her pillow back into my face. 
"Ha ha! You suck!" She says. 
How I feel right now is embarrassed. 
Where I am is standing in River's bedroom and doing my best to defend my manhood. So far, Ms.River has landed 3, maybe 4 blows to my face, while I've landed zero. 
This is what we do. This is,one of many reasons why I love her. I love her because I can stand naked in her bedroom, and pillow fight. I can let my guard down and for the time that I'm with her, it feels as if nothing else matters in the world. 
Ms. River grabs my pillow again, and throws her pillow towards my face. This time I catch it and we both stand there, in a stalemate, holding each others pillows. I move towards her and spin her around, wrapping both arms around her. 

I send miss River a text message, telling her that this is fucked up.
"What?" She responds.
In my text message I type out that I was writing about her, picturing her naked. That now I've realized how sexually frustrated I really am.
This time she types more than a one word response. "Has nothing to do with me." She says. Followed by a smiley face.
I tell her it's all her fault. Passing the blame on to other people is my specialty sometimes.
How I feel right now is nostalgic...and a little turned on. I picture River, and her back go me. I picture my hand on her hips, pulling her soft body next to mine. Feeling my hand run through the back of her hair.
River just wants to be left alone and draw.
I grab a piece of paper and write the word "DICK" in black ball point pen. I grab my cell phone and take a picture of it, sending River a text I tell her I have the perfect thing that will cheer her up.
"What?" She wants to know.
"A dick pic." I type. I press send.

.......River gets out of the shower before I do. This was my first mistake. Letting her out of the shower before me. We've only been dating for a month, and my naivety was still lingering among the humid shower steam. 
I grab a lavender scented shampoo bottle, and squirt a quarter size amount of liquid into my palm. 
Not realizing the silence in the bathroom was my second mistake. 
I move my head under a stream of hot water and begin working up a thick lather of lavender scented soap. 
The toilet flushes. 
"Mother Fucker!" I shout. 
River, she just laughs her beautiful poetic laugh. Even when my ego is scalded by hot water, I still love that laugh. 

Remorse

     To think about her, is to write about her.

To write about her, is to ache over her. 

Not to write about her however, would be like to never remember the greatest moments one had in his life. 

I'm sorry I was so careless and reckless with your heart Ms. River. 

Remorse 

River leans over and tells me she as word for me. 

"Remorse." She whispers. 

I stare into her warm, blue eyes and click my ballpoint pen up and down and say, "okay". 

This is part of what we do. This is part of what we've done for the past two weeks. We give each other a word and write. 

Open your heart.

Let it bleed on paper.

Don't be a pussy. 

This is our Motto, our slogan for the small writers group we've formed. 

I place the tip of my red pen to my spiral bound notebook and I write. 

This was the day I found out my Grandmother had passed away. So I write about my Grandmother. 

I write about how when I was six, my Mother had a miscarriage which lead to a nervous breakdown and I went to live with my Grandparents in Minnesota. I write about my Grandma Donna, and the tiny bug eyed sunglasses used for tanning. I write about how she used wear them and walk like a frog in order to make me laugh, to cheer me up. I write about how when I was 13, I spent two weeks during the summer at their home in Ellendale, MN. How we used to pop popcorn and read the "Old Man in the Sea" by Earnest Hemmingway. 

While I press red ink against white paper, I turn my head slightly to the right, noticing River, and her soft porcelain skin and perfect pair of lips. 

I stop writing. 

I stop writing and close my eyes for just a moment and picture my lips pressing against hers. I breathe in a long breath and taste her lips against mine. In this thought, her lips are sweet and soft, as if sugar were gently poured over a soft feather pillow. 

I place my pen back to paper and I write about the time I received my first speeding ticket. I was going 45 in a 20 when I passed a police officer, hiding in a church parking lot. Walking through the side door of our house, my heart was pounding while I showed my Mother my ticket. I write about the time my Grandma Donna came down into my room and told me about the first time my mom was caught speeding. How she was going thirty miles an hour over the speed limit. How when she told my Grandpa and Grandma about her ticket, my grandfather started laughing and pulls out of his pocket a speeding ticket of his own. 

I stop writing. 

I stop writing and turn my head to the right and notice a pair of warm Mediterranean eyes starting forward. I stop writing and take four, maybe five seconds to notice these eyes, but it feels like forever. Before she can turn and catch me staring at her, I turn my head and close my eyes. I close my eyes and take a moment to remember the hug Ms. River gave me half an hour earlier. When she found out my Grandmother had passed away. I think of her warmth. I think of the sweet smell from her hair and the way her body felt against mine, they way my arms wrapped around her. The way we embraced for four, maybe five seconds, but it felt like forever. 

I click my ball point pen up and down and press it back to paper. I write about the last time I saw my Grandmother. It was at my cousin Amy's weeding. I write about how I went into her hotel room to say hello, and she was sitting near a window smoking in a non-smoking room. I write and I laugh because I think about how I tell her that she get fined if they catch her smoking in the room. How my Grandmother takes a deep inhale from her cigarette and tells me they can "fuck off!" She says. 

Tonight I click my ball point pen up and down and press ink against a different type of paper. A paper full of crossed out words and mistakes from the past, and the present. A paper full of holes and questions marks without a sentence to follow. 

Tonight I click my ball point pen and I write about Ms. River. I write about a smile that could stop traffic twenty miles away. I write about a laugh that wakes the sleeping butterfly's from the soft cocoon inside my bruised exterior. I write about shooting stoplights with extended index fingers and marching in circles while holding up makeshift signs. Shouting words like, "No Contract." and "No Peace." I write about dancing in streets while cars drive by and embarrassing moments in grocery stores. Lost wallets and Clerks who look like Hodor. I write about car rides up canyons and passionate kisses under bright stars.
Songs. I write about songs. Snow Patrol, The Decemberist's and Phenoix. I write about Wonderwalls and Why We Fight. 

My right hand moves from left to right and presses ink against a piece of paper unsure of it's future. 

I write about maple brown hair. I write about maple brown hair and how my fingers would trace through the strands of long beautiful hair. How our foreheads would meet while our two bodies became one. I write about naked pillow fights and laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. 

Tonight I click my ball point pen up and down and press ink against a different type of paper. 

Tonight I click my ball point pen up and down and write about remorse, a different remorse. 

Tonight I write about Ms. River. 

And how I love her. How I lost her. How I miss her. 

Tonight I write about love. 

Reflections

Where I am right now, is standing in front of my bathroom mirror. Telling myself that I am the luckiest man in the world..
My right hand wipes a residue of steam from the glass and reveals a vulnerable face. Through the mirror in front of me, I watch as cold water splashes against this face of vulnerability, watch as it as tiny liquid beads drip from an unshaven chin and on to the white tile counter top.
Standing in front of my bathroom mirror I watch as words are silently mouthed. Words like, "you" and "are" and "So", followed with "fucking stupid".
I grab a small plastic toothbrush from the small drawer below and watch, as the toothbrush enters the mouth in front of the mirror. Small circular brush strokes message a set of teeth while words like, "You" and "should" and "be there",
This face in front of the mirror spits into the porcelain sink below, looks back into the fading steam and makes words like, "She" and "is", followed by "fucking amazing".
How I feel right now, is like a circular balloon with a thin blue ribbon on the end. Instead of Helium, or Oxygen, this circular balloon is full of future, attached to a thin ribbon of hope.
I raise my head and look into brown eyes thinking of blue eyes and think of how much I want to be someplace else. Where I am right now is standing four feet in front of glass and steam residue, in front of a reflection of someone who wants to be somewhere else, someone he loves very much.

Only Words

Where I am right now is wondering where to begin. Wondering where to start and where to end.
It's been ten days since I've last published a new post. So much for continuity.
Since I don't know where to start or where to begin,  I'll say the thing I want to say the most. YOU ARE AMAZING.
Those words written in capitalized letters are probably making you think
Cliche
Probably
Cheesy
You might even think
Sappy.
I look at them and think
Truth.
Plain and simple.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
Where I am right now is sitting in my bed, thinking about you, sleeping next to your owl. Your cute little stuffed owl.
Thinking about how cold your feet get and how you get this look of satisfaction when you place your cold feet on my skin.
Where I am right now is wondering where to begin. Wondering where to start and where to end. What I would like to say is goodnight.
Goodnight.
And I love you.
I love you.